So I have been going through a lot internally. I could explain, but I already did in a letter. You'll understand why when you read the letter, but for the moment just know I was feeling like I needed one person: my brother, Brock. He was the only one I could talk to. But because he had a bunch of mission stuff on the Monday before Christmas (Christmas Eve) when his P-Day usually is, he told us he couldn't email. But I didn't care. On Saturday I just needed to vent my emotions to my best friend. So I did. I even put the subject of the email as, "I know we'll talk before you read this." So here is my letter, unedited and completely and totally personal. Please know I put this here only so you know how powerful the results were.
My Best Bud-
I just need to talk to you. I really miss you right now. I always miss you, but where you would be Trevor or someone else takes your place, but there are some places where only you fit. Like right now. It's Christmas time. Everyone has their family. I mean everyone. Trevor has his family. Bob has his. Nick has his. Nicole Tucker (who I am best friends with) has hers. The Popes and Pixtons and Haws' have theres. And to some extent Mom and Dad have their own thing happening, just the two of them. That's why you are so important. Because you are me plus two years. When the married people started talking about pregnancy, we went to play pool. When everyone had their family Christmas parties, we watched Jingle All the Way together (which I watched last night, alone). You are the one that keeps me from not being alone. And a Christmas like I'm reminiscing about may never happen again. This my last Christmas home and if I had one hesitation about not going on a mission ASAP, it would be wanting to spend one more Christmas with you while we are both wife-free. I need you. I love you. You are my best friend, better than all 6.9 billion other people. I'm glad I followed you, even though it felt sometimes like I was in your shadow. You are awesome. I love you. Merry Christmas. Just know that no one misses you more than me. I guarantee. Because no one else needs you with them more than me.
-Your Best Bud
Tomorrow is Christmas. We are going to talk on the phone. I knew what was going to happen. But Saturday night I prayed. I really prayed. I asked Heavenly Father for a confirmation. See, I could leave before Brock gets back. I have always felt like an afterthought in his weekly emails. I needed to talk to him when it was just us. All I wanted was one, meaningful exchange with him before I left on my mission. That is what I prayed for; that was what I wanted. And I got it. Heavenly Father is the best at giving and, boy, is he the best at surprising us. After pulling an all-nighter with my friends, I woke up after a two hour nap to the best Christmas gift ever. What was it, you ask? Well here it is.
Hey mate,
Turns out we got to do email today but we don't have a lot of time. You get the privilege of receiving my only email of the day!!
You know what helped me this Christmas? Elder Holland has an article in the Ensign (or New Era, I read it in the Liahona) that talks about his first Christmas away from home. It was when he was a new missionary, training a newer missionary and opening a new area. They spent the whole day the whole week actually, knocking on doors without anyone listening to them (as great as the mission is, those days happen and they are rough). But he said that was the first Christmas that he really focused on what it meant instead of focusing on just enjoying it. There is a lot of wisdom in his words.
I love you and I'm glad you miss me. I miss you too. I am so excited for what you're going to learn on your mission. You'll grow in a way you'll never expect. Like it says in Ether 12:27, when you're out on your mission, you're going to be shown your weaknesses more than ever, believe me. But they'll be turned into strengths. You'll have a mission president that loves you and is inspired by Heavenly Father to help you become who you need to be. That relationship is so special.
I pray for you because I know you are at a really fun, but really hard part of your life right now. And I am proud of you. I tell everyone that I have five brothers, four that served missions, and one that is on his way. One of the things I've learned is that I never have to wait to be happy. I can find the good in everything and enjoy life wherever I am. You are a good kid, and I'm excited to see you.
I love you,
Elder Duclos
I'm sure he doesn't know how much his email meant or how much it made me cry. But Heavenly Father loves me so much. So much that he would give me a meaningful, personal conversation with my best bud. I know that He knows me personally. This Christmas is the best one I've ever had. Because even though I am kind of a loner, I am never alone. I have my Heavenly Father there, making sure I am happy. What else could I ask for?
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