Greatest Fear.

Greatest Fear

I am proud to say that I am very brave (at least in past circumstances I have proven myself). I believe that, if needs be, I could do anything. If the situation was grave enough, I would be victorious. But I am not fearless. I submit to you my greatest fear: I fear that those I love and care deeply about don't care about me, or worse yet, dislike me. I am afraid that my friends who I would die for think of me as next to nothing. I fear that my best is not good enough. I fear I am a nuisance. I always think it and I hate it. I don't know if I'm anything worth caring for.

But then I remember someone, the greatest person ever to love. I remember our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He loves me. He knows who I am and still, He loves me. He rejoices when I make good choices, even when I am alone. When I make bad choices, He waits with open arms of forgiveness. No matter the problems in my life, He and my Father in Heaven will support me.

Jesus, my older brother, loves me enough that He died so I may be eternally happy. He suffered pain and scorn because He knew it would be worth doing. And He did not do this just for me. He did this for my friends, my neighbors, everyone who has been on this earth or will be on this earth. He is our shepherd, the voice in the dark, calling us to the light. He did so much for us because He loves us. He loves me.

So from now on, if you ever wonder, Am I good enough?, just remember, He knows you are and no one else can even compare.

Not quite there

I am not part of any group exclusively. I am friends with everyone. You may think Hey that's cool, you have tons of good friends instead of one group. Yes that sounds cool, but believe me, it's not. I feel like an orphan. Everyone has there own group of friends, their family. I am a loner, a secret orphan. I may be good friends with you, but I am not part of that group. And when your family goes to do something, you usually do not invite the almost family. It's not that you dislike him, it's just that you think he has his own family. I am the outcast friend, the one that has so many allegiances that I don't really have any.

I don't mean to sound whiny, that's what I chose. I just feel so different. I need a family, no matter what. Even Mr. Potter did not want friends and popularity, he wanted a family. I love all my friends and I am grateful for them. They are such a blessing to me. I must go, my mom is eating my doughnut.

It is summer

If you look to the left of this wonderful text you will see the books I'm reading. I have too much time on my hands. I put in my two weeks notice yesterday. Sooooo happy. Goodbye Macey's, hello tamsolutions.

Growing Up

There are very few things that upset me. I quote my friend and scout leader, Corry Cloward, "Wyatt, you have a very long fuse and when it reaches the end, there is not much of an explosion." One thing that upsets me is senseless action, doing something for no reason. A thing that I despise is senseless emotion, feeling a certain way about someone without reason or because of outdated reasons. There are two people in particular (I am very tempted to tell you their names, but I will not) that seem to hate me senselessly. Here is some background:

Person number one is a girl I have known for a while. She and I used to play together when we were little. She is the only girl I'm her family and got anything she wanted. I was the youngest of six boys and the opposite was true of me. She would try to make me do what she wanted and, when I wouldn't conform to her will, she disliked me. Fair enough, for a five year old brat. Now she is almost fifteen and treats me like my scout crew treated the giant spiders in the last post: so disgusted that the only thing you can do is pretend to not see them until you are forced to pay attention enough to smash them. She despises me. She let things that happened almost ten years ago rule her way of thinking and it makes me sad. I wish I knew the friendship that could've developed, if not in past years than more recently. Sure I could've been more Christ-like when I was seven, but I was seven.

Person number two hates me. He tries to run my life and hates almost every decision I make. Some days he pushes me too far. The other day I wrote this:

"[He] has driven me almost to the point of hate. He is so quick to judge me, tries to run my life and is altogether a complete and total jerk to me. I don't understand his logic. I really do try with him. I don't yell at him, I take his taunts and his putdowns without a word against him and I try to forget about what he does to me. It does not work. I could have all the patience in the world and [he] would still wear it down. My only hope is that someday he will actually treat me with human decency." 

I have been thinking about these two people more and more over the past week or so. They are not the first people to hate me or will the be the last. I have had some of my current friends hate me, but I was able to turn them from enemy to friend without too much trouble. I cannot figure out what to do with these two, though. I almost never give up on people, so the thought of not trying to be friends with them seems un-Christ-like to me. But there is nothing active I can do. My mindset now is if I try to be their friend, they will like me. I need to think more along the lines of, "If I continue being as kind as possible to them, I will have no fault. They will be the ones suffering and I will be fine." I love them and want to be their friends, so all I can do is just that: be their friends.

So I guess this is what growing up feels like, eh? It is not as painful as I imagined.

Grovecreek 7th Ward Priests Quorum 2011: Brotherhood

Here are some people you should know:

Corry Cloward. I learned that for 11 of the past 12 years, he has been a young men's advisor. He it a native to Provo and a die-hard BYU fan. He has the ultimate dream job: he designs water parks. You are totally jealous. For his job, he has to travel for weeks at a time. He has been to China, Japan, and basically everywhere. I asked him this past week, while at Scout Camp, were his favorite place to go is. He told me something that I hope will apply to my future. He said that when he gets onto a plane, the place he wants to be headed is always home. Good answer. 

Cloward is a great guy who truly cares about his family and the young men in his tutelage. I appreciate the love he shows me and the example he is. He is a man.

Brother Hillhouse, Hillhouse, Heffe, Jeff, Jeffwey. You name it, he is already named it. He is a master repeller, but kind of a wimp when it comes to spiders. He is a great guy who bruises like an overripe peach. He is a great leader.

Jake Erling. He is a good kid. He can be a little too serious at times, but he is smart enough to not look like an idiot while doing so. He has gained my love and respect as we've become brothers in our quorum and he is a great man.

He is the one facing us. I am looking at a wall.

Lambo. He is such a nice guy.I found out, through experience, that if he is mad at you, you are probably doing something that would kill someone, or worse get you expelled. He is so Christlike.

My former teachers quorum advisor, former home-teaching companion, and current bishop, Nathan Anderson. He taught me how to keep on pressing on. He made me hike 50 miles in the rain. He made me home-teach a woman who hates me. He taught me how to love my neighbor.

Top row: Taft Robinson, Aaron McArthur, Christopher Clegg, Idiotface McGee, Dalton Archibald, David Byrd, Corry Cloward. Bottom row: Seth Crandall, Paul "Lambo" Lambert, Henson Walker, Nathan Anderson, Jeff Hillhouse. Not pictured: Jacob Erling, Trevor Ward, Cooper Caldwell, JC Hinojos, and Hayden Sanderson.

I was kind of leading up to this. After the BEST week of my life, I realized how much I love these guys. It is so much fun being with them and being able to forget the troubles of life and quote asdf. We, as Cloward puts it, are a brotherhood who are stronger than anyone that came before us (that he advised, anyway). I cannot think of a single man in this quorum who I do not love liken to myself. They are the best.

Here are my favorite pictures that I have seen:

Hillhouse and I on our way up to the Calf's Creek Waterfall.

My awesome frisbee catch out of the water.

Swimming at the falls.

Our sweaty backs after the hike up.

Flexing our muscles. I am flexing my fat.

We went repelling in the slot canyons the next day.

A hole you had to go through on the way down called The Rabbit Hole. It is so small, we had to take off our backpacks to get through it.

We stuck our heads into holes. No big deal.

The first repel of the day. So fun.

There were thousands of spiders in groups like this after one repel. It was so gross.

Here's one compared to my foot. 

Aaron had a lizard, so he put it on his face.

We had a 5 lbs. bag of gummy worms that melted. So we hit each other with it.

This is just after eating steak. Very good stuff. Taft and I also saw George Lucas at the City Mart that day.

Here is a giant sand hill we went to after white water rafting. It was way fun.

Taft jumping off a rock on the hill. This angle looks like he is about to die.

There is no charge for awesomeness... or attractiveness. 

Sitting in a window arch.

We saw the Delicate Arch.

And Landscape Arch.

I will post more pictures. Someday.