My Fortress of Solitude

I have lots of thoughts, but they are all going to be worth reading. This post will be long, but you should read it all. Because I think it's needed for you.

My entire life I have had the gospel. Because of that, it was hard for me to know what the spirit felt like  because I had never not known what it felt like. 

For the past week or so, I couldn't feel it. I didn't know what it was. I searched for what it would be that caused this spiritual recession. And even now I can't tell you what caused it. All I know is that I was lost. I could not find the spirit. Prayer, church, seminary, scripture study. It was like I was learning but I was just learning physically, not spiritually. Last night was especially bad. I felt like I was trying so hard but getting no results. I spent hours studying but I could never find that spirit.

Then this morning was the temple day for my Priest quorum. I set my alarm, knowing that if I could get the spirit anywhere, it would be in the temple of the Lord. So I woke up an hour after my group had left. I had set my alarm for 7:10 PM, not AM. After the feeling of failure I gained from totally missing the one shot I had at bringing my life back to where it was before. I had missed my one shot at entering the temple of God to gain His spirit. 

I sat at home alone, eating pizza. And honestly, I didn't have much drive to do anything. Both of my parents are out of town. If you didn't realize (or don't live in Utah county), it was about 4 degrees Fahrenheit all day. That's why this next part had to be completely psychotic. I decided that I needed to go to on a hike. You see, back in May (I think) I was running for student body president. I was nervous and tired and restless. I went into the mountains and got to the look out point up Grovecreek Canyon and I prayed. That night I lost. But I was fine because those mountains had helped me come closer to the Lord.

However, as I decided to hike, that honestly was the furthest thing from my mind. I seriously thought that I was likely to die or get injured. But I didn't care because I was just so done with everything. So in jeans, a thin jacket, earmuffs and gloves, I sent out on my journey.

My body was frozen before I got out of my neighborhood. By the time I reached the mouth of the canyon, my breathing was heavy and hard. I walked up listening to the novel Frankenstein. Little tip, if you want to stop being depressed about being alone, don't listen to that book. I walked up thinking all about how hard my life was and how much I had tried only to get nothing in return. 

I was almost to the lookout point and I had decided that I would pray again there. I needed to get back to where I was. But just before the lookout point, I wandered upon a herd of deer. It made me stop. I don't know what I was thinking, but I went from being bitter about everything to having my heart a little softer and my neck a little looser. I sat there for a while, just thinking.

I got to the lookout point.

You should click on the photo to see how spectacular a view it is. No edit.

Do you guys remember what ancient prophets used as temples? Yeah, that's right. Mountains. I had the most breathtaking view. Then I got down on my knees and I prayed. I had prayed plenty of times before. I had prayed longer with no results. But when I stood up after praying on that ancient temple, I had the spirit. Finally I had it.

It was so cold my phone shut off. I hiked down the mountain with my thoughts being the only thing to entertain me. I thought about how blessed I was. I thought about how lucky I was. My body was colder than when I walked up the mountain, but I couldn't have been warmer. I had the Spirit of God coursing through my veins. I was finally happy.

I walked up to commune with the God of all as a bitter, cold, lonely boy. I walked down hopeful and happy, with the spirit in my heart and the Savior at my side.

I love Superman. I love him because he is so much like me. His story is really similar to all of our stories. A being more than mortal who was sent off by loving parents to earth. He was given to mortal parents who loved him. He lived a normal life, but he had an enormous amount of power. He spent his life serving others with that power because their was nothing else he could do with it. And he had a place where he could go and talk to his father, just the two of them. He had a Fortress of Solitude. That mountain has become my Fortress of Solitude. It doesn't matter what happens. I can get my heart broken or my leg broken or I can be pushed to the edge like Job. It doesn't matter, because my Fortress of Solitude is not just a place. It is a state of mind. I can be in contact with the all knowing, all powerful being in charge of everything and He and I can just relax and talk. Nothing is a better feeling, I promise.

Remember prayer. It really, really works. I promise.